ちょっとだけペースあげます。春だし。
テーブルの上には、ひび割れたトーストが残っている。
手紙は、その皿とテーブルの間に挟まって、息をひそめていた。
何度読んでも同じ内容だったし、同じ気持ちだった。
そして、いつかはきっとこんな日がくるだろうと知ってはいたけれど、まさか今とは思わなかった。
彼とはもう三年も一緒に住んでいるのに、心が本当に通じ合ったと思う一瞬は、ほんの一度すらなかった。
それは、今ここで彼と話し合いをすれば修復できるとか、出会ったころの気持ちをもう一度想いだしてみるとか、そんなことを真剣に考えることのほうが不健康に思えるくらい不自然なことだった。
最初から彼との恋愛をあきらめていたのは、私のほうだったのかもしれない。
私はこの部屋をぐるっと見回して、不在ってきっとこのことなんだと思った。
確かに気配はするものの、部屋そのものががらんどうで、空虚に構えている。
うず高く積み上げられたCDや書籍は、彼の欲望の塊で、それ以外の感情にこの部屋はまったく満たされていない。
そして私自身、この部屋にはまったく含まれていない。
私は本当にくっきりとここに存在していたんだろうか？
開けっ放しの窓からは、春のやわらかい光が部屋に差し込んでいる。
すれ違いにやってくるやわらかい風が、向こう側の窓から、こっちの窓へと通り過ぎ、ゆっくりと時間が過去へと巻き戻る。
光の束は、それとは逆に現在に向かって、過去を鮮やかにかすめていき、方向が逆転と反目を繰り返しながら空間を創る。
埃の薄い膜で覆われたモノ達の奥底から沸きあがる苦し紛れの息吹が、漆喰の壁にぶち当たり、その香りが部屋中に飽和して、パンクしてしまいそうだ。
そしてこのモノ達の呼吸は私のリズムでは動いていなく、暗黙してこちらの方をじっと伺っている。
カツン。
何かにあたって足元に目を向けると、端整に積み上げられた彼の本と、そのまた上に重ねられた彼のたたんだ洗濯物が一気になだれ落ち、今、ようやく私の証拠がここに残されたと思った。
今の私には、彼の欲望を理不尽に食い散らかすエネルギーも、一つ一つ丁寧に扱う愛情も持っていない。
季節が終わるように、私達の関係も終わってしまっていたのだ。
不思議とさわやかな開放感に満たされているのは、現実が状態に追いついたからなのかもしれない、と思って、時間の流れがただ悲しいことだけでもないことに初めて気がつき、それが彼の物事に対する優しさや聡明さに繋がっていることなのだとしたら、私は本当に彼のことを知ったことになるのだろう。
やがて充実した孤独が私を溶かしだす。
今、ここでやっと風が止んだような気がした。
Whant casino at home? Go to online casino games at http://online-casino-games-000.net!!!
Posted by: casino games on November 26, 2004 01:16 AMYou are invited to visit the sites dedicated to phentermine phentermine http://www.phentermine-top-deals.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.best-deals-phentermine.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.ottawavalleyag.org/ ...
Posted by: phentermine on November 25, 2004 04:37 AMPlease check out the sites about phentermine phentermine http://www.phentermine-top-deals.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.best-deals-phentermine.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.ottawavalleyag.org/ - Tons of interesdting stuff!!!
Posted by: phentermine on November 24, 2004 04:35 PMPlease check out the sites about phentermine phentermine http://www.phentermine-top-deals.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.best-deals-phentermine.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.ottawavalleyag.org/ - Tons of interesdting stuff!!!
Posted by: phentermine on November 24, 2004 04:34 PMPlease check out the sites about phentermine phentermine http://www.phentermine-top-deals.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.best-deals-phentermine.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.ottawavalleyag.org/ - Tons of interesdting stuff!!!
Posted by: phentermine on November 24, 2004 04:34 PMPlease check out the sites about phentermine phentermine http://www.phentermine-top-deals.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.best-deals-phentermine.com/ phentermine phentermine http://www.ottawavalleyag.org/ - Tons of interesdting stuff!!!
Posted by: phentermine on November 24, 2004 04:33 PMDon't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
-- Walt Kelly
Mortgage Refinance http://www.refinance-mortgage-com.com
You can also check some relevant pages about texas holdem online mac texas holdem online mac http://www.texas-holdem-online-mac-game.info/ why holdem why holdem http://www.why-holdem-4u.info/ canadian pharmacy phentermine canadian pharmacy phentermine http://www.canadian-pharmacy-phentermine-pharmacy-2003.info/ texas holdem for real money texas holdem for real money http://www.texas-holdem-for-real-money-win.info/ phentermine prescription phentermine prescription http://www.phentermine-prescription-top-deals.info/ phenterminepharmacybiz phenterminepharmacybiz http://www.phenterminepharmacybiz-top-deals.info/ texas no limit holdem tournaments in oklahoma texas no limit holdem tournaments in oklahoma http://www.texas-no-limit-holdem-tournaments-in-oklahoma-game.info/ cheapest online phentermine cheapest online phentermine http://www.cheapest-online-phentermine-pharmacy-2003.info/ holdemtexasturbowilson holdemtexasturbowilson http://www.holdemtexasturbowilson-4u.info/ order phentermine diet pill order phentermine diet pill http://www.order-phentermine-diet-pill-leading-pharmacy.info/ ...
Posted by: cheapest pills phentermine on November 15, 2004 05:46 AMIn your free time, check out the pages in the field of texas holdem chips texas holdem chips http://www.texas-holdem-chips-top-site.info/ purchase phentermine online purchase phentermine online http://www.purchase-phentermine-online-top-deals.info/ no limit holdem poker online no limit holdem poker online http://www.no-limit-holdem-poker-online-win.info/ phentermine next day phentermine next day http://www.phentermine-next-day-top-deals.info/ slot machine tips slot machine tips http://www.slot-machine-tips-gambling-4u.info/ texas holdem art texas holdem art http://www.texas-holdem-art-win.info/ cheap phentermine diet pills cheap phentermine diet pills http://www.cheap-phentermine-diet-pills-pharmacy-2003.info/ pay cod for phentermine pay cod for phentermine http://www.pay-cod-for-phentermine-leading-pharmacy.info/ tezas holdem tezas holdem http://www.tezas-holdem-4u.info/ las vegas strip texas holdem las vegas strip texas holdem http://www.las-vegas-strip-texas-holdem-win.info/ ... Thanks!!!
Posted by: texas holdem rules hoyle on November 14, 2004 11:59 AMTHIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
fortune. Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to The
Fortune Hunter, our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free Fortune Hunter coffee mug ....
Mortgage Refinancing http://www.refinance-mortgage-com.com
Dish Network Satellite Yep - Free Dish Network Satellite TV
Posted by: Satellite TV Dish Network on November 13, 2004 12:09 AMPlease check the sites in the field of cheap phentermines | cheap phentermines | http://www.cheap-phentermines-pharmacy-2003.info/ | phentermine lowest price | phentermine lowest price | http://www.phentermine-lowest-price-top-deals.info/ | texas holdem | texas holdem | http://www.texas-holdem-4u.info/ | play texas holdem online free | play texas holdem online free | http://www.play-texas-holdem-online-free-4u.info/ | texas holdem chips | texas holdem chips | http://www.texas-holdem-chips-top-site.info/ | texas holdem poker tables | texas holdem poker tables | http://www.texas-holdem-poker-tables-4u.info/ | texas holdem poker online | texas holdem poker online | http://www.texas-holdem-poker-online-top-site.info/ | online and phentermine and | online and phentermine and | http://www.online-and-phentermine-and-leading-pharmacy.info/ | free slots online | free slots online | http://www.free-slots-online-gambling-4u.info/ | free texas holdem online | free texas holdem online | http://www.free-texas-holdem-online-top-site.info/ | ...
Posted by: phentermine mastercard overnight on November 10, 2004 10:33 AMhigh end quality Rolx watches, replica jewelry, wrist watch, Replica Watch purchase your affordable realistic Rolex replica watch today at http://www.pro-rolex-replica-watches.com
Posted by: Rolex Replica on November 9, 2004 08:51 PMYou can also check the sites about bad card credit credit people | bad card credit credit people | http://www.bad-card-credit-credit-people-advisor.info/ | mortgage | mortgage | http://www.mortgage-4-u.info/ | computer financing | computer financing | http://www.computer-financing-e-bank.info/ | country mortgage wide | country mortgage wide | http://www.country-mortgage-wide-advisor.info/ | bad credit loan unsecured | bad credit loan unsecured | http://www.bad-credit-loan-unsecured-advisor.info/ | apply card credit online | apply card credit online | http://www.apply-card-credit-online-4u.info/ | online credit card application | online credit card application | http://www.online-credit-card-application-e-site.info/ | golf | golf | http://www.golf-e-course.info/ | debt analysis | debt analysis | http://www.debt-analysis-consultant.info/ | car loan | car loan | http://www.car-loan-4-u.info/ | mortgage new york | mortgage new york | http://www.mortgage-new-york-e-site.info/ | - Tons of interesdting stuff!!!
Posted by: cheap flowers on November 8, 2004 01:07 AMYou may find it interesting to visit the pages dedicated to term life insurance | term life insurance | http://www.term-life-insurancedeals-4u.info/ | mortgage texas | mortgage texas | http://www.mortgage-texas-advisor.info/ | consolidation debt | consolidation debt | http://www.consolidation-debt-4u.info/ | atomic ski | atomic ski | http://www.top-ski-e-mall.info/ | credit experian report | credit experian report | http://www.credit-experian-report-advisor.info/ | california mortgage second | california mortgage second | http://www.california-mortgage-second-advisor.info/ | auto loan online | auto loan online | http://www.auto-loan-online-4u.info/ | card credit interest low | card credit interest low | http://www.card-credit-interest-low-4u.info/ | credit fix reports | credit fix reports | http://www.credit-fix-reports-e-site.info/ | card credit debt | card credit debt | http://www.card-credit-debt-4u.info/ | rockport shoes | rockport shoes | http://www.top-shoes-e-shop.info/ | ...
Posted by: credit instant reports on November 7, 2004 01:17 AMI am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
-- Paul McCracken
What's Crackin! - Just need to go Play Bingo - for my Online Bingo Habit! But I cannot Find a Good Bingo Online website to cover my bingo addiction!
Posted by: Bingo on October 26, 2004 11:59 AMSearch Engine Cloaking - Website Cloaking
Posted by: Search Engine Cloaking on October 24, 2004 05:51 PMpenis enlargement pills penis enlargement pills done right! at http://www.usa-penis-enlargement.com penis enlargement
Posted by: Penis Enlargement Pills on October 23, 2004 09:52 AMIf a little knowledge is dangerous, where is a man who has so much as to be out of danger?
Posted by: penis enlargement on October 21, 2004 05:00 AMIn the consciousness of the truth he has perceived, man now sees everywhere only the awfulness or the absurdity of existence... and loathing seizes him.
Posted by: online casino on October 21, 2004 05:00 AMMetaphysics is the finding of bad reasons for what we believe upon instinct, but to find these reasons is no less an instinct.
Posted by: penis enlargement products on October 21, 2004 05:00 AMSup Homies! - Just need to Refill My Inkjet Cartridges - for my Epson Inkjet Cartridge But I cannot Find Discount Inkjet Cartridges and the HP inkjet cartridges cost to much for my budget.
But I might take a look at Cheap Inkjet Cartridges or Canon Inkjet Cartridge maybe even just a inkjet cartridge refill!
So What Tramadol- Fioricet Called Your Momma Out and Ultracetwas laughin at Ultramand Vioxx.
Dada - Lipitor?No Momma Imitrex!! Stop Being Fat and use Xenical!If your a women use Diflucan http://www.online-prescription-pharmacy.com/
There can be no other truth to take off from than this: I think, therefore, I exist. There we have the absolute truth of consciousness becoming aware of itself.
Posted by: online poker on October 20, 2004 03:21 AMきゅんっ
Posted by: nisico on March 12, 2003 07:16 AM優しい気持ちでピアノを弾いた。
聴いててくれた彼女の隣に座った。
少し髪をなでた。
もっと心が優しくなった。
やっぱISDNきつい
とちゅーで音がきれてまう
これをきっかけにADSL申し込みました
カツン。ってなんかリアルだね。そんな響き、あるよね。
Posted by: takayo on March 10, 2003 01:06 AMMUSIC FOR here by mpm 2003/03/05